"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize