i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
