I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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