I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize