i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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