i jhust puked up my retainher.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
