i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
