im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
