Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
