Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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