My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
