i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
