so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
