After last night, I could never be a politician.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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