So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
