I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
