She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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