the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm bleeding and have questions
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
