Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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