I just cut my nipple shaving
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
