Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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