someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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