you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
