She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize