Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
