I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
