I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
