theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We left the knife in your bed.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
