What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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