How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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