did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
