im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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