6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
