take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
