I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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