its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
