Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
im having a threesome with these popsicles
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
