Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
home. puking in laundry basket.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
