I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
