my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
