I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
People in love make me want to vomit
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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