Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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