I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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