i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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