True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need a beard to bite.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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