That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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