Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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