I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
