Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
