there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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