Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize