Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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