if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
