i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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