I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
