Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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