I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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