i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it's like iHOP with fire
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
