Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
