Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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