Screwed.edu
I look better un-naked...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
