Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
