There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
