He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
