I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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