They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
