Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
