do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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