at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
