Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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