Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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