My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
